Darkness Within

1 John 1:5-2:10
5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.

6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.

7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.

8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

1 My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.

2 He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.

3 And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments.

4 Whoever says "I know him" but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him,

5 but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him:

6 whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.

7 Beloved, I am writing you no new commandment, but an old commandment that you had from the beginning. The old commandment is the word that you have heard.

8 At the same time, it is a new commandment that I am writing to you, which is true in him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining.

9 Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness.

10 Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling.

It grieves me to open the news and read of such hatred, the pipe bombs, the slaughter of our fellow Jewish brothers and sisters, devastating shooting in CA, the disdain for those seeking refuge and safe shelter. Darkness resides within me. I feel a hatred rise up when I hear of defenseless people being mowed down by blind malevolent destruction. I want to spit out vitriol and damnation against the other…but I am the other when I go down this path. I am that same wanton destruction when I refuse to see past the burdens that we all carry, when I refuse to see the darkness I carry within. When there is such rage, love can find no home. When there is such animosity, bitterness, and rage there is no room for stillness in which God can speak and provide the transforming presence of the Holy Spirit. Yes, darkness resides within all of us as scripture tells us. It is there, whispering malcontent, hatred for the other and even the self. It creeps in when we are slighted and we say things under our breath. When our ego doesn’t get its way and we are forced to abide by the will of another, darkness is there.

In my Clinical Pastoral Education residency we did a lot of work on the self. There were times during patient visits that I wanted to get up and slap the person saying, “What the F@#$ are you doing!? Wake up! Of course you feel like shit, you’re doing molly, acid, LSD, and a bunch of other stuff!” Or when I met with a patient that was lamenting all of her health woes and in my mind was thinking, “You’re morbidly obese, smoked a pack of day for 35 years, and I’m sure your car is full of McDonald’s wrappers.” I would then write this up and have to present it to my cohort. What I found are many blind spots in my own thinking, a subversive darkness that triggered disgust. I realized I saw the world through the lens of a white, cis-gendered, middle class American male. I have been extremely fortunate to have the upbringing I had. These two people, burdened by their circumstances, by their social and cultural settings, came from poorer families where one or both parents struggled with alcohol dependence, couldn’t afford healthy food, since we know it does cost more to eat healthy, and whose educations were in areas where dropout rates and test results were quite poor. Abuse - physical, verbal, and sexual - were common as well. 

And these reactions I had, this darkness within me, it’s ok, for to deny it is to give it power as we try to hide it, lying to ourselves and to God. No, we are to listen to it, not feed it, but acknowledge it’s there. The passage says not to “walk in darkness.” That is different than sitting in it with a candle to tame it, to dispel it. There’s this thinking though in some religious circles that spending time on the self is selfish.  I think this is a cop-out. It’s laziness and fear to say, “Oh, it’s not about me.” You know what, it surely is about you and you better put in the work. We must know ourselves at the deepest level, the way God knows us, in order to best serve our brothers and sisters. So as we come across darkness within and offer it kindness, peace, and understanding it begins to fade, to change into a wondrous light, being transformed and renewed by the constantly moving presence of the Holy Spirit.

These are the words I penned after yielding to Christ in February of 2007...

"My heart physically hurts to see those in pain. I get that knot in the back of my throat that wells up until tears stream down my cheeks. A veil has been lifted, a sense long forgotten now awakened to an intensity that in past years was dormant and dulled. The desensitization that society has invoked upon me through mainstream media latent or not has been crushed under the power of truth, compassion, and life, as it should be lived.  I can no longer laugh at the pains of others; rather, I feel the piercing cries of their every agony."

Yes, feel the pain of the victims families, mourn with them, weep with them, but also look within, for the hate directed toward the bomber, the shooter, the other. What horrors have they endured in their life to turn to such heinous acts? What abuses, scars, and burdens do they carry? When we step into this process of scapegoating all we do is continue the cycle. Jesus asks us all, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone.” Let Christ’s peace, His example provide another way to respond. Let the one who knew no sin, yet took the whole of it upon himself, take our hands and lead us into love. Let His blood be enough. There is no need to spill more. It is finished.